I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Thank heavens for community notes
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Guilty! 🤪
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once