me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Haha good job!!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Does this dress make me look cat?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?