I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.