I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing