I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.