I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?