I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Knock Knock
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.