I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
