I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.