Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.