I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me driving through Toronto
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.