Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

IT’S-A ME,

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

I have so many questions.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.