I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Order here:
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?