Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”