I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I self medicate, therefore you live.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably