Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Legend 🤣🤣

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.