I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
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lmfao
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
🤣
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.