I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?