Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

…..pretty much.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.