Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

This was my dad’s browser history.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”