I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
what day is it?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Where’s my employee discount too?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!