I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
You Might Also Like
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Just say no
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.