I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu