Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.