Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap