I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
You Might Also Like
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
A decision was made here.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
no exceptions
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you