Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

This guy gets it.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Weirdly Wednesday.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion