Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Monday

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia