Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree