Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

ㅤ

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.