Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.