I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Thank you 🥹
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table