Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

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gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
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MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

me

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much