Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

😭

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss