I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Said the murderer.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I put the h in mysterious.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself