i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??