Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.