I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
