I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
You Might Also Like
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper