I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
smartest karate player in the world
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Midwest trash talk