Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

If only.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Spotted in the wild

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?