Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job