I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs