Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.