Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Chicken bread

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

i’m so sick of this guy