I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The best shot in the history of golf
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.