I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”