Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.