I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Meow
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.