Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.