Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.