I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
This sounds bad:
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