I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.