Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Best seat on the street 😍

at ease…shoulder.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.