Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!