I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
You Might Also Like
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc