I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait