I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.