Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?