I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.