Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside