Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
reduce, reuse, recycle
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
ugh not again
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.