Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.