Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

#FunnyLife Insects

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.