I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *