I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
in 3 months
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Lmao 🤣
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt