I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Today’s tshirt
I gave up going to work for lent.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.