I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
that colleague who touches your screen
Succinctly put.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?