I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing