Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.