Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve