I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
he’s doing your taxes
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
sign of the times 🖊
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]