I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods