I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake