Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

My whole life was a lie.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.