Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

The sacred texts.