Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.